My name is Mare, and I’m afraid of my writing. I’m afraid of this book that is gestating in me.
I’m not exactly sure what I’m afraid of but perhaps by the time this wee little blog piece is finished, I may have a clearer mind? Writing can do that. It can shake loose some of the tangled thoughts trapped way back there in the cranium.
This fear, it is an interesting creature. It keeps me in bed longer than I need to be. It sends me spinning off into distraction-land in a heartbeat. It keeps me from focusing on my book and is not so helpful.
So this morning, I’ve decided to hog-tie it down and really interrogate it.
Thus far, this is what it has to say to me. It’s all knotted up with my Fear of Power. And somewhat knotted up with my Fear of Success. And very much associated with my little, wee self that would rather be some anonymous professional gardener that is out puttering and talking with the plants in someone’s backyard. (I did that for the past 15 years and the pay is pretty good. Writing space not so good on the payscale.)
So, I got this Fear – big “F” to confess to me a little. And truth be told, it is churning up my gut a little since that is where it sits. Right there over my wombspace, gritting its teeth and saying, “We will not budge.” Acting rather like a little stubborn child that is a little cuss that you kind of want to smack but instead realize that what she needs is a good long hug and be told that she is Safe. Safe… She is okay.
So I’m realizing that this Fear is a little scared girl. And I need to figure out how to let her know that she’ll be okay if she relaxes a little and just trusts. Trusts that it will be okay to write this book about the Sacred Feminine.
She will be safe if people start buying the book and talking about it in circles far beyond a circle of flowers. She will be alright if the book is embraced by other women and helps to heal and empower other women (and possibly men).
Ah… and I guess this little girl holds a great deal of power too. I’m not exactly sure what all of that is about. Other than sometimes people tell me that I’m a powerful woman. One man told me that I’m an “Eco-Valkyrie” a number of years ago when I was far more involved in sustainability training efforts. I took that in and have reflected on it since.
Maybe I do have some power?
I used to think I wanted power and to be in control. I used to run organizations and coordinate lots of people.
But I’m not sure I want that kind of power anymore. Just power over my shadow and my wee, little self that keeps me from writing is really the only power that I seek these days. Beyond that, I’d be happy with some consistent income to live a simple life, have chickens, goats, veggie beds (all organic) and some good fun on a very regular basis. Very regular basis.
I need to ponder this power thing. I get I would like to influence people to encourage them to step into their own power. Especially women. We women have given up too much of our power over the centuries. Centuries… and that is a long, long time. Too long.
If the power to help women from a place of humility, kindness and compassion, plus strong support is what I may be capable of – to heal the woundedness with us and around us, then – Okay.
Okay. I can work on accepting this power too. Over time.
Not all at once.
Baby steps here.
First one, coddling the little girl in me that is so afraid. Not so afraid right now though. She feels better. I am feeling better.
This is good.
I love writing and the untangling it allows. The healing it allows.
Time to hug my inner little girl again.