Sunday, May 4, 2014
Several deer graced my morning earlier. Shy, tentative, and hungry, they were browsing in the backyard understory beyond the high deck off this home of mine. The sweet kitty who came into my life just five days ago heard them before I did. She quickly scooted back into the house as I looked beyond the deck to see what had scared her. There a young deer was peering up at me with very alert ears. But the deer did not turn and run with the white sentinel of a tail raised in alarm. He/she carefully turned around and walked beyond my view around the corner of the house.
Within a minute two more deer appeared along that same side and two others in the neighbor’s yard. Quietly poking in the understory looking for some nutrition, they came down the hill almost below me. I stood on the deck just sending them love.
Love from my heart, my being, emanating this down to them. It made me think of St. Francis of Assisi and I wondered if this is what he felt—this level of love but his was more exponential.
From the top of my head down to the soles of feet, I have been feeling so much love and open calmness in the past forty-eight hours. A love founded on a pond of trust and security I’ve never experienced before. This is remarkable for me.
Last Monday I posted a long piece about my insecurities and resistance to doing this writing for Mother. Earth Mother … The Great Mother … the whole universal package of Divine Mother that has asked me to surrender to her/Her. This resistance and all the fears in me were making me sick as they mounted in my abdominal area. This is largely why I got lymphoma several years ago. Blocked energy.
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly – to keep the channel open.”
Something shifted in me toward the middle of this last week. I finally discovered an affirmation that dislodged the emotional dam that has blocked my energies for so long in my wombspace area. This is the affirmation:
I don’t care.
Don’t get me wrong here. I care deeply, deeply about our planet, about the people whom I love, and this new kitty who just graced me with her love and company in the past five days. I care more than words can express about the trees being felled in the Amazon and on the lot around the corner that is about to be developed. I’ve experienced going into a coffeeshop with circles of women talking and feeling so much love for these ‘strangers’ even.
I just refuse to care anymore about what people think about my writing and this soulwork I’m doing for Mother. I refuse to allow others to influence or restrain my creativity, this spiritual listening and writing, speaking and more. I will no longer let the reactions of my family or acquaintances dictate how I should act or say.
Essentially, I’ve found a golden shovel and started digging out all the repressed, silenced, fearful thoughts that have built up like silt behind a dam in my most sacred center, and I’ve knocked the dam down. And I’m keeping that shovel nearby for further digging when the emotional silt of fear starts to collect again.
No… maybe that’s not the best metaphor.
I am now a tree, an incredibly healthy tree with her branches way up into the sky to Father Sky and the Sun and her roots so deep they wrap around the center of Earth Mother’s heart, and all my tissues are pulsing and coursing and life force is just singing through me. There is no fear in this tree’s vascular tissue. Only the joy of the Sun’s love and Mother’s luscious soils full of nutrients and love too… and I’m just singing. I’m a singing tree full of gratitude for this release, this connection to Spirit, this life of chocolate, kitty purrs and good friends. Just singing.
I have a gifted friend who can actually hear the trees sing. He’s amazing and has been such a teacher and healer for me and he’s based in Holland. We skype often and are going to co-lead a workshop on “Healing the Sacred Feminine – Divine Masculine Wound” in Holland in June.
Danny (Vader) can hear the trees sing. I’m ready to sing with them now. To join their harmony with a sense of joy I’ve never known before. The interesting phenomenon here is that I’m hearing them more clearly… the trees … when I go out for walks. They must be feeling my song and now when they beckon me to come closer to touch them and give them some love, I hear them far better. It’s wondrous.
This song … I guess others can sense it too. But I’m not certain what they sense. Yesterday I went to a Sierra Club meeting and was so openly welcomed by everyone there and contributed to the meeting with ideas that surprised even me. They are selling my Messages from Mother…. Earth Mother book at various events I can’t attend because of conflicts—which is a win-win on so many levels. Plus I received some money from the head of the chapter for a copy of MFM sold earlier in April.
Then later in the afternoon, I joined a new friend over dinner and by the end of dinner, she paid for just about all of the meal, gifted me with a pau necklace and earrings from her purse and then bought a copy of MFM to offer at an auction.
If letting go of my fears and just offering love and gentleness (a message from the deer this morning) that carries some of Mother’s love moving through me in it, is going to manifest like this when I leave the house—this tree is only going to get stronger and more grounded and raise her arms up even higher to Father Sky and Creator. I embrace this magic, this grace.
I might even keep the golden shovel around too, for some future assistance.